Thanks you, gentlemen. I couldn't have said it better myself.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Clever Pregnancy Comebacks...Another Repost!
Okay, I don't know how clever they are but it's what I came up with on the spot.
"You're huge!"
"Don't you know what cause that?"
"How many more babies are you going to have?"
"You're not going to find out the sex? But don't you want to know? It would... drive me crazy!"
"Should you be eating that?"
"Feeling fat yet?"
“You still haven’t had that baby yet?”
"You better sleep now because once that baby gets here..."
"Was this an accident?"
"You're so small!"
"You're huge!"
- I know!! It's like I'm growing a whole baby or something!
- Holy shit, you too!
- I don't know why either, all I consume these days is cocaine and Diet Sprite. Weird, eh?
"Don't you know what cause that?"
- Public pools, right?
- Yes, fucking.
- Why are you asking? Can't you remember?
"How many more babies are you going to have?"
- Somewhere between one and 47.
- It depends on how many we sell.
- We plan to keep going until we have an ugly one.
"You're not going to find out the sex? But don't you want to know? It would... drive me crazy!"
- Well, that's a short drive anyway, isn't it?
- It wouldn't matter anyway because we're naming it Thermos the Third whether it's a boy OR a girl.
- I'm kind of hoping it's neither and it's just gas.
"Should you be eating that?"
- Well, seeing as you're already eating your foot, I figured I may as well eat this.
- No, I should be eating lots of it.
- Why, because you think it's as dangerous as asking me that question?
"Feeling fat yet?"
- Whoa, I was just going to ask you the same thing. How weird is that?!
- That's right. Feelin' phat with a "ph", Hooker.
- You feelin' lucky, Punk?
“You still haven’t had that baby yet?”
- I'm trying to hold it in so I can finish a novel I'm working on.
- Oh, I had it, I just left it in the car today.
- Assholethatstatestheobvioussayswhat?
- Don’t worry; you will know when your husband starts paying child support.
- I had it yesterday but I'm trying to shoplift this basketball so could you bugger off?
"You better sleep now because once that baby gets here..."
- Why!? Don't they sleep?! Next you'll tell me they poop too.
- (lower your voice then say) Actually, I don't sleep now. I just sneak into your bedroom and watch you sleep. You sleep like an angel. My secret, dirty, little angel.
- Sleep is for pussies and ugly people.
"Was this an accident?"
- Were you?
- As much of an accident as if I fired out and punched you in the face right now.
- Yes! I tripped and fell on a dick.
"You're so small!"
- A really heavy person said that to me yesterday too. I guess it's all relative.
- I had my internal organs removed so I wouldn't have to buy bigger pants.
- I know. I can still deliver a clean roundhouse to someone's face. Isn't that great?
10 Things to Never Say to a Pregnant Woman... Repost from one of my favorite pregnancy blogs!
10 Things to Never Say to a Pregnant Woman
1. "You look so big/small." Remember when you were a teenager and you didn't want to be unique in any way? Well pregnancy is the same and nobody wants to be told they look huge or teeny because it just scares them. Anything different from other pregnant women = weird = giant freak baby or creepy peanut baby.
2. "Haven't you had that baby yet?" If that woman's pregnancy seems long to you I can almost guarantee that it feels like about 30 years to her. Pregnant woman who are asked this question should be legally exempt from murder convictions.
3. "You look tired, you must be having a girl because they steal your beauty." Someone actually said this to my friend. So really what you're saying is "you look like shit". Thanks. I think the response to this should be "And you must be upside down because all I see is an asshole talking". (I just made that up.)
4. "So do your nipples look weird? Mine went all crazy." Pardon? Unless this pregnant woman is someone that would tell you about her anal leakage or an odd growth on her armpit, then don't ask this kind of stuff and don't share this kind of crap with anybody. Ever.
5. "Sleep now because you won't get any when the baby gets here." What the hell does this mean anyway? It's not like you can bank sleep. It's like saying "Don't eat this year because an all-you-can-eat-buffet is opening up next March". Plus, who says that the woman you're saying this to is sleeping now? She may be a congested ball of heartburn, hemorrhoids and back pain so this kind of thing just adds insult to injury.
6."I hate that name." Really? Oh okay, then they won't name it that. Nobody cares that a girl named Angela took your oatmeal raisin cookie in grade two so don't lift up the tarp covering your mental baggage. On a similar note, if they want to name their kid Adolph or Kleenex just nod and say "nice" – that will be the least of that kid's problems anyway.
7. "Were you hoping for a girl/boy instead?" It's not really anyone's business and if she ain't sharin', don't ask. If you're asked this you should answer that you were actually hoping for a puppy that could fart rainbows then just walk away.
8. "Was this an accident?" A woman's reply to this should always be "suck my dick." It's a nice, clean, confusing retort for someone that is rude enough to ask this kind of question.
9. "Did you use fertility drugs?" I don't want to get all misty here but all babies are miracles and by asking a question like that you're somehow implying that babies that were conceived with 'help' are different from babies that weren't. Not cool so don't ask.
10. "Should you be eating that?" This whole website is about people embellishing myths and half truths to scare the crap out of pregnant ladies. So unless she's about to accidentally snack on dog shit, don't say anything and let the poor girl eat.
Finally, there are three things you always say to pregnant women:
1. "You look fantastic" Even if she is a sweaty, wheezing Jabba the Hut with swollen ankles and a maternity top that no longer covers her fish pail, tell her she looks fantastic. She is making a person and that's pretty fantastic.
2. "That's wonderful" If she tells you she's going to give birth squatting in a Mr. Turtle pool surrounded by chanting Tibetan squirrels, you say "that sounds wonderful". Every pregnant woman makes about 200 declarations of what she is and isn't going to do and about 4 stick. Don't ruin her moments.
3. "It's going to be alright" When she starts crying because the pizza shows up wrong or she panics because she used regular detergent to wash the baby's onsies so she'll be a horrible mother or simply because she threw a reciprocating saw at your head because "you're too much of a moron to understand what she's going through". This is when it's a good idea to pull out "it's going to be alright". A side car of "you look fantastic" couldn't hurt either.
Repost from http://pregnantchicken.squarespace.com/pregnant-chicken-blog/2010/4/15/10-things-to-never-say-to-a-pregnant-woman.html
1. "You look so big/small." Remember when you were a teenager and you didn't want to be unique in any way? Well pregnancy is the same and nobody wants to be told they look huge or teeny because it just scares them. Anything different from other pregnant women = weird = giant freak baby or creepy peanut baby.
2. "Haven't you had that baby yet?" If that woman's pregnancy seems long to you I can almost guarantee that it feels like about 30 years to her. Pregnant woman who are asked this question should be legally exempt from murder convictions.
3. "You look tired, you must be having a girl because they steal your beauty." Someone actually said this to my friend. So really what you're saying is "you look like shit". Thanks. I think the response to this should be "And you must be upside down because all I see is an asshole talking". (I just made that up.)
4. "So do your nipples look weird? Mine went all crazy." Pardon? Unless this pregnant woman is someone that would tell you about her anal leakage or an odd growth on her armpit, then don't ask this kind of stuff and don't share this kind of crap with anybody. Ever.
5. "Sleep now because you won't get any when the baby gets here." What the hell does this mean anyway? It's not like you can bank sleep. It's like saying "Don't eat this year because an all-you-can-eat-buffet is opening up next March". Plus, who says that the woman you're saying this to is sleeping now? She may be a congested ball of heartburn, hemorrhoids and back pain so this kind of thing just adds insult to injury.
6."I hate that name." Really? Oh okay, then they won't name it that. Nobody cares that a girl named Angela took your oatmeal raisin cookie in grade two so don't lift up the tarp covering your mental baggage. On a similar note, if they want to name their kid Adolph or Kleenex just nod and say "nice" – that will be the least of that kid's problems anyway.
7. "Were you hoping for a girl/boy instead?" It's not really anyone's business and if she ain't sharin', don't ask. If you're asked this you should answer that you were actually hoping for a puppy that could fart rainbows then just walk away.
8. "Was this an accident?" A woman's reply to this should always be "suck my dick." It's a nice, clean, confusing retort for someone that is rude enough to ask this kind of question.
9. "Did you use fertility drugs?" I don't want to get all misty here but all babies are miracles and by asking a question like that you're somehow implying that babies that were conceived with 'help' are different from babies that weren't. Not cool so don't ask.
10. "Should you be eating that?" This whole website is about people embellishing myths and half truths to scare the crap out of pregnant ladies. So unless she's about to accidentally snack on dog shit, don't say anything and let the poor girl eat.
Finally, there are three things you always say to pregnant women:
1. "You look fantastic" Even if she is a sweaty, wheezing Jabba the Hut with swollen ankles and a maternity top that no longer covers her fish pail, tell her she looks fantastic. She is making a person and that's pretty fantastic.
2. "That's wonderful" If she tells you she's going to give birth squatting in a Mr. Turtle pool surrounded by chanting Tibetan squirrels, you say "that sounds wonderful". Every pregnant woman makes about 200 declarations of what she is and isn't going to do and about 4 stick. Don't ruin her moments.
3. "It's going to be alright" When she starts crying because the pizza shows up wrong or she panics because she used regular detergent to wash the baby's onsies so she'll be a horrible mother or simply because she threw a reciprocating saw at your head because "you're too much of a moron to understand what she's going through". This is when it's a good idea to pull out "it's going to be alright". A side car of "you look fantastic" couldn't hurt either.
Repost from http://pregnantchicken.squarespace.com/pregnant-chicken-blog/2010/4/15/10-things-to-never-say-to-a-pregnant-woman.html
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Sunday, July 29, 2012
HOW TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF DURING A BAD BODY IMAGE DAY
1. Recognize that fat isn’t a feeling.
There are always underlying emotions that we attach to feeling fat. When the “I feel fat” thoughts start up, try to identify what you’re feeling underneath the body dissatisfaction. Are you feeling lonely? Anxious? Invisible? Scared? Ashamed? Inadequate? Whatever the feelings are recognize that they are separate from your body.
2. Treat yourself as you would a friend.
Because it’s difficult to be kind to ourselves in the moment when the body hating thoughts take over, try responding to your thoughts as if you were supporting a friend. What would you say to someone you loved who was battling your same struggle with body image?
You wouldn’t tell them to not eat for the day in order to compensate for what they ate the previous night. You wouldn’t tell them to punish themselves for their body size through over-exercise, self-harm, or abusive eating habits. You wouldn’t tell them they were worthless or unloveable because of their weight. So why do you tell yourself these things? Break the cycle and start treating yourself like a friend—you deserve that kindness and love from everyone, especially yourself.
3. Recognize that you are so much more than the size of your body.
What you look like does not define you. It doesn’t discount your worth as a human being. You are so much more than a number on the scale. As a living, breathing, feeling human being you have inherent value. You are special and important and loved. You exist and therefore you matter.
Your appearance is such a small part of who you are, and it certainly doesn’t warrant enough power to discount the person you are inside. You aren’t your body or your weight—you are your goals and dreams and passions and values. You are your strengths and talents and insight. You are a soul and a spirit and a force of nature. Your body does not define you.
4. Shift your focus from the external to the internal.
Make a list of all the people you look up to and are inspired by—not because of their weight or appearance, but because of who they are and what they do. Write out all the qualities they have that make you appreciate and value them.
Use the list as a reminder that it’s the internal things—our dreams and passions and goals and morals and insight and character—that truly define who we are and draw people to us; not how we look.
You are no exception to this. Try making your own list of things you like about yourself that have nothing to do with appearance or body size. If you have a difficult time creating one, ask some friends and family to help you.
5. Think about what you want to be remembered for after you die.
I don’t want people to remember me for what I looked like, what size jeans I wore, or what I weighed. I want to be remembered for the person I am. I want to be remembered as someone who brought about positive change in the world. I want to be remembered as loving friend, partner, and family member. I want to be remembered for my passions and my creativity and my strength. I want to be remembered as someone who made a difference. What do you want your legacy to be? Chances are, it doesn’t have to do with weight.
6. Instead of focusing on the size of your body, start focusing on what your body allows you to do.
The human body is an incredible force. When we get caught up in the number on the scale and size of clothes however, we forget just how lucky we are to have a fully functioning vehicle to engage in life with. So stop hating your body for the way it looks and start acknowledging and appreciating your body for all that it allows you to do.
Make a list of each activity and feat your body helps you to partake in and accomplish. If you want to be even more specific, list out each body part and describe all the things you wouldn’t be able to do without it. Your body is strong, powerful, and beautiful, regardless of it’s size. Choose to treat it with love, compassion, and gratitude instead of hate and judgement.
7. Challenge your negative thoughts.
You may not be able to change the way you feel about your body today, tomorrow, or a month from now, but you can begin the process by challenging the thoughts in the moment. Write out a dialogue between your negative voice and a healthy voice. If you have a hard time coming up with positive counters to the negative thoughts, pretend that you are speaking positively about a friend or loved one.
Even if you don’t believe the things you say to counter the voice, it’s still important to speak out against it, because each time you argue with the thoughts, you are taking away some of their power and reclaiming your own. The more you challenge the thoughts, the less you will believe them. The more you argue back, the easier fighting the voice will become.
8. Allow yourself to feel your feelings.
There is a lot of built up energy and emotion underlying the way we feel about our bodies. Holding in how we feel or engaging in behaviors to numb out may make us feel better in the moment, but in the long run, it doesn’t remedy the pain we feel. It doesn’t make us feel better and it keeps us stuck.
Releasing the energy and painful emotions underlying our body shame requires us to feel our feelings. Whether that means throwing a tantrum on the floor, venting to a friend on the phone, punching a pillow, screaming in your car, or crying in bed, you need to allow yourself to feel your feelings. Let go of the judgement you have about what you feel and recognize that you are feeling these things for a reason. Give yourself permission to release your emotions and let everything out.
9. Do self care.
When you’re struggling with body image, distract yourself with healthy coping mechanisms. Take a bubble bath, get a message, ask for a back scratch, cuddle with a pet, make plans with a supportive friend, watch your favorite movie, get a manicure, listening to calming music, do deep breathing—whatever it is, make sure it’s something self-soothing and helps you get out of your head.
10. Be kind with yourself.
You may not be able to control the way you feel about your body, but you can control what you do in response to how you feel.
Instead of beating yourself up, you can choose to treat yourself with compassion. Instead of engaging in unhealthy and abusive behaviors, you can choose to do self-care. Instead of treating your body as an enemy, you can choose to treat it as a friend. Instead of isolating yourself, you can choose to reach out for support and surround yourself with positive people who make you feel loved and accepted. Instead of agreeing with the negative thoughts, you can choose to challenge them.
***You have more power than you think—don’t let the way you feel about your body keep you from living.
Coping with bad body image days may not be easy, but it is possible.
Don’t give up.
You aren’t alone.
Things can and will get better.
reblogged: Internal Acceptance Movement
Ashley M.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
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